Waking Up to Love
How to identify patterns, break habits, and transform the belief system to have more of what you desire and deserve when you are self-sabotaging your happiness.
Sensitivity levels were high, yet I said it was due to the cosmos, COVID, protesting, and PMS-ing. However, I forgot to mention I am going through a personal transformation. One that allows me to honor and embrace my past pain and let it go to create space for what is to come.
I have been practicing (for over a decade) but most recently began to use "The More Method." It is an emotional intelligence methodology to help you get more of everything you want in life by mastering your beliefs and physiological state and understanding the power of perspective, so you can elevate your relationships and expand your potential.
It starts with our shadow – everything we can't see in ourselves. It's a form of self-examination where we face our fears and identify the defining moment that created an identity that isn't real. Usually, between the ages of 4 to 7, this "truth" about ourselves is formed due to a traumatic experience. We carry it throughout our lives, and it limits us. We believe that we/I/you are *fill in the blank* based on our parents' trauma and outer conditioning, culture, community, society, schooling, religious backgrounds, etc.
These conditions form habits that repeat in predictable ways, which can often be challenging to give up. Our behavior becomes the reaction to our system of impulses from the circumstances around us. We tend to continuously react to situations from something that has triggered a trauma. Stay with me; it gets better.
In my case, it has been about being enough that has shown up for me time and time again in my relationships. It's what has kept me from having healthy ones that I "know" I deserve. Let me repeat that. My patterns, based on trauma, had developed a belief system when I was a child that "I am not enough"; therefore, going into relationships that are not healthy, knowing I deserve more but not feeling worthy of it. This understanding opened my eyes to see that it had nothing to do with anyone and everything to do with the relationship with myself.
I unconsciously chose safe experiences by going into familiar territories that gave me the same result because it was easy, and I didn't have to put in any real work. Although painful, it was comfortable, and I was happier to do that than to be open to the unknown possibilities of something healthy if I just faced my fears and dealt with them.
I had attempted a few times to break this habit, but every time I got out of my comfort zone, it would alarm my EGO, sending my body into a frenzy where I would break out or begin to hyperventilate. In all my years of studying myself and personal development, I found that I had to lean in if I genuinely wanted a new outcome. At first, I focused on being a better version of myself through my surface success, beginning with my physical appearance, career, travels, accolades, network, clothes, etc.
It was all part of my "being good enough" work. I thought, "I deserve to make more money, I deserve to travel to those places, I deserve to buy that for myself, and I deserve to be in those circles. Yes, that's going to make it all feel better because I deserve this," right? But guess what? It didn't matter where I went or how far I was because there I was, the same insecurities, complexes, fears, low self-esteem, and lack of belonging.
Don't get me wrong, I made great friends and had beautiful experiences along the way. Still, much like me, those I met were seeking something outside of themselves and, in most cases filling them with addictions whether drinking, drugging, eating, training, learning need, I say more?
Now, while I believe that the path to self-discovery is a journey and not a destination and how important it is to get better in different areas of your life, I found that those areas would continue to suffer if you do not do the inner work. And it starts and ends with you. You must first be willing to seek where the pain points are and how it shows up in different areas of your life and keeps you from what you truly desire and deserve. It has taken me years of work and painful experiences hurting people I care about, including myself. I had been operating from that wounded child and could never see it.
My reasoning was pretty ridiculous and immature. I would make people liars when they were telling me the truth and deny what I was doing when confronted to make them wrong and myself right. I needed to blame someone, and it wasn't going to be me. I created stories around what it was and had expectations of how others should show up constantly disappointed based on needs I never expressed because everyone is a mind reader, right?
This behavior got old and boring. No more drama, self-loathing, and disappointments I once desired. I began to get pushed into corners I could no longer hide from or point fingers to because I was the only one standing there. The time had come to face myself, admitting where I failed and asking, “Why? What was so scary? Can't you see yourself?”
“Don't you think you deserve to be happy?” I had to tell myself the truth. The answer was "no" I didn't think I deserved it. I sobbed. I couldn't believe I said it out loud. I was so scared to love myself because I didn't know how to. I woke up to how I was mistreating myself. It hurt, and I sobbed some more. My younger self was screaming for attention – she needed it most and wanted to heal. I bottled up so much and become so rebellious until I realized what got me this far was the one thing holding me back.
You see, it didn't matter how many times someone told me how great, loved, beautiful I was. I needed to know that for me. Be that for me. So by the grace of God, I got that opportunity. I got to go into dark places so that I could grow. I got to learn why I behaved the way I did. And I got to do that by myself. The one person I needed to love the most was me.
I hope this message reaches you. I know there is someone who needs to read it.
10 Tips to Transforming Yourself for a New Healthy and Positive Outcome:
Be honest with yourself. Is there room to grow? If the answer is yes, then congratulations. Some don't ever admit they have anything to work on or, worse, are not even aware.
Are you aware of how you are showing up in life?
Example: Are you controlling, selfish, playing the victim, always right? Do you think you know everything? Do things always have to be your way? Do you listen to someone else's needs outside of your own?
How do you act on things when you get upset? Are you responsive or reactive?
Ask yourself if the current situation is about the problem itself, or is it triggering this belief you have about yourself?
Pause, take a step back. Assess.
Ask yourself - "Is this happening? Or am I making this up?
Identify the pain point.
What is it, and where does it comes from within you?
Be vocal and vulnerable about what you mean.
Remind yourself, "I am feeling triggered right now, and although it is not your fault, I am working on it and need some time to process."
Be accountable. It's your shit, so you have to own it—even the ugly parts.
Once you have identified the triggers, go back to where it started and remind yourself that this is a story, not your truth or the truth.
Example: Yes, it happened, but that doesn't mean the meaning you gave it is the truth.
Be patient with yourself, as this is work and won't change overnight.
And most importantly, forgive yourself. You didn't know what you didn't know.
Disclaimer: It will take some work and will require you to dig deep. It is painful and uncomfortable, but it's worth it.
My dear friend and mentor, Jen Groover, International Peak Performance Speaker, created The More Method, ranging in topics around Human Potential, Emotional Intelligence to Energy Management, Entrepreneurship, Branding, Leadership, Maximized Sales, and Women's Empowerment.
The methodology teaches the inter-connectivity of psychology, emotional intelligence, nutrition, physiology, neuroscience, philosophy, quantum, physics, metaphysics, and Buddhism. To learn more, reach out to me at annemarie@annemarieinc.com.